The biopsy.

Ok, I know that many of you will be like "here she goes again!" but I feel obliged to offer an account of the operation [yes it's an operation] I underwent last Thursday.

The day started off with mum poking her head in my door, "It's 7 O'clock" she said. It was still really, really dark so I turned over wondering why mum decided to wake me that early. It wasn't like I had to have time to eat breakfast before we left.

Before an operation like a biopsy the patient isn't allowed to eat anything within six or so hours before the operation. Considering this, I finished off my last packet of squiggles [the best bickies in the universe] the night before.

It was really frosty when we left and I was feeling nervous even though I tried not to. But I was armed with the 'waiting room bingo' cards that I'd made the day before so at least the wait would be good.

Mum and I didn't get lost on our journey to the Gastroenterology department like we usually do in hospitals. It was nice, so I sat down and we started giggling a little, ticking off the boxes on the bingo cards.
Suddenly, only minutes after we sat down, a turquoise clad nurse named Jo came over and said my name. I gulped.
After a little interview with the nurse [where I asked for a copy of one of the pictures of my gut] mum went back to the dull waiting room and I was lead away into an airy ward a few meters off. It was pretty empty but I was told that later in the day they may have to top and tail patients. I was glad that my appointment was brought forward. By this time I was thoroughly enjoying myself, apart from the odd twinge that buried nerves give. I read magazines and felt like a lady of leisure as the nurse tucked the blanket around my feet.
I was also glad that I didn't have to wear a hospital gown. My ski pants were nice and snug under the thick hospital sheet.

Someone said the word "Theresa" and I gulped once again. There was a huge flood of nerves, then a second later resignation and a determination to enjoy this strange experience. Being wheeled into the special biopsy room really helped with the enjoyment part, it was so much fun that I started joking with the nurse who's name was also Theresa.

She clicked one of those cool finger pulse checkers onto my finger and I watched my pulse to up and down on the blue machine to my right.

I wasn't sure how painful or scary the biopsy might be. Considering one of the complications listed in the brochure is "awareness of the procedure"- I was hoping that the drugs would do their thing.

"This tastes gross but it numbs your throat." The nurse said. I told her that I'm all for pain killers and opened my mouth, she sprayed then said, "it makes it feel like you can't swallow but you actually can."
Cool.
She walked out of the room in search of the Dr. My mouth went numb and I felt a bit like I was choking, it felt like I couldn't swallow. Bleugh! And the nurse had deserted me. Oh great.

She came back in with the Dr who, by his appearance and voice instilled in me the feeling that I could trust him and wouldn't mind him shoving that long licoricey cord down my throat. He looked like he knew what he was doing. I didn't trust the nurse the same though and made the "I have bad veins" speech as she pulled out the lure gear. Considering that I had bad veins, she tightened the tourniquet really, really tight. I hated having the lure put in my hand. A lure is one of those things that you see on patients, like a permanent blood test needle + that plastic outer for the vial. It really hurt and bruised quite a bit. She put that plastic sticky stuff on top which made my hand look like it belonged to an old lady.
I felt like a real hospital patient now, with a numb tongue and blood smeared around the ugly lure in my hand. I looked away as the Dr busied himself with something down near where my [now sore] hand was. This was the bit that I'd been dreading, the injection. Surely, it would hurt like crazy.
I felt something funny in my hand and turned toward the Dr, "It shouldn't take too long," he said gesturing, "to get from here" - my hand, "to here," he pointed at my head.
Cool.

I was turned over right onto my shoulder and they put a green mouth guard into my mouth. By that time my eyes were closed and I was drifting out.
That going to sleep feeling was so awesome, I really, really liked it. That's possibly not a good thing, but hey.
I have a slight consciousness of stuff happening, but don't remember anything about the procedure itself.

Half an hour later I opened my eyes a little bit, then closed them. It took about fifteen minutes for me to become fully awake again. I know this because there was a clock right near my bed. I was in the ward again, with the pulse checker still on my finger and the lure still in my hand. But I knew that it had finished, so just lay there, content.


The biopsy itself didn't show any visual damage in my gut, so I have to wait for a week till the results from the lab are sent to my Dr. But that's ok, my sister who has coeliacs didn't have any visual damage either.

Ok, that post was really long, but it gives you an idea of what it's like. If you are ever going for a biopsy/endoscopy - don't freak out. It's a really easy procedure and if you lie back and observe the interesting things you should enjoy yourself.

Week 3.

I think a good word to describe how I feel is "bleh" - although google doesn't think it's a word.
Some symptoms that I'm experiencing from eating gluten: [warning: these are for the interest of science and not for the squeamish]

• Almost complete loss of brain function. For example, instead of putting hot water from the zip into my Milo, I turned on the tap and poured cold water into my cup. Oops. It didn't taste very nice. Umm, what was I saying, oh yeah, bad brains. I feel like a zombie: always saying "braaains!"
• Excessive augh... wind and occasional gut aches/discomfort. I'm feeling really bloated and without my huge hoodie on I look like my sister who is six months pregnant.
  
• A bit of weight gain too, but it's not surprising considering my lounge lizard and almost gluttonous lifestyle for the last three weeks.
• Really, really, really tired.
• Money. Yeah, I've been living it up with squiggles, crumbed fish, fairy bread, gingernuts and other good things. All this creates a little dent in my bank account, but hey, why else do I get money from the government! haha! I even bought some English muffins just so I could quote Oscar Wilde. ["I'm particularly fond of muffins."]
  

All of those things make assignment writing very difficult, plus now that I've got most of the symptoms finally written up here for everyone to admire, I'll stop complaining and give you a little science lesson.

So, I'm having my biopsy on Thursday. What is it? Simply put it's me lying on a table under general anesthetic [whoop!], tube with a camera on the end shoved down my throat and into the small intestine seen here:

[psst: It's the grey squiggly bit by the way.]

After a short sight seeing tour they grab a sample of the intestine lining and it's over. Now they just have to test the little sample to see if I have coeliacs.

How do they do that?
I don't know. Some involved microscopic method probably. I don't care, as long as they can tell me whether I've got the disease. However I am curious as to what gluten actually does to my gut lining. So, I looked it up.
Like the controversial "Dr gluten" said, "open your mouth and you see wet skin." [or something like that.] That skin lines all of your insides, [taking a few different forms in different parts actually, but it's all wet.] Anyway, the lining of your small intestine looks a bit like that, however on a microscopic level you can see this, in a cross section of your gut lining:
Ok, this is a healthy gut lining. The crypts [haha, I know! It's not at all gang related...] make the Epithelial cells which sit on the villi absorbing nutrients. They take about two weeks to travel up the villi. The whole of your small intestine lining, taking into account the contours of the villi is about the size of a tennis court. It is really important that everything works well so that you can absorb vital nutrients, like vitamins and minerals.
However, if a person with coeliacs eats gluten this is what happens [over a couple of weeks]:

Gluten kills epithelial cells which causes the villi to collapse [reducing the size of your gut lining by heaps] and the crypts become really deep because they are working overtime trying to produce more epithelial cells, which of course are killed off as soon as they are produced. Without the special cells doing their job the person who owns the intestine finds it really difficult to absorb nutrients. That's why heaps of coeliac people are anemic, because their gut can't absorb the iron.

So, if my gut looks like the latter: I have coeliacs. If not, I'm just gluten sensitive.

Did all that make sense?

Next week about this time I will be probably lying on a bed somewhere in the hospital, trying to recover from general anesthetic. A few minutes before that I would have been lying there with a tube going down my throat into my intestines.

And guess what, I'm looking forward to it.

In fact it can't come soon enough. You see, the more gluten I eat, the worse I feel. [That's not to say I don't enjoy eating gluten... no, I like gingernuts] So, the sooner the better!

You can tell my brain isn't working ay, I can't think of anything else to write.

You know how I'm always talking about food? Well, I'm going to give you another reason to think that I have gluttonous tendencies.

I don't really want to be a glutton, it's one of the 'seven deadly sins' and therefore not on my "one day I would like to become..." list.

To be on the safe side, these are the definitions of 'glutton.'

1.a person who eats and drinks excessively or voraciously.

2.a person with a remarkably great desire or capacity for something: a glutton for work; a glutton for punishment.

As you may know, I'm feasting on gluten at the moment because next week some medical geniuses are taking a sight seeing trip in my small intestines. The plan is that they take a souvenir back with them for the lab people to admire. My job is to provide an ugly enough gut for them to peruse.
And poor me! to provide that damaged gut I have to eat all kind of good things. Like gingernuts, ginger kisses, cheesy crackers and liquorice. You didn't know that liquorice had gluten in it did you?


Not only was I snacking on all of these delightful things between lunch and three O'clock but I also stopped my [not]exhausting studies for a snack.


Mmm! Crumbed fish! Oh, how I love it! Especially with a bit of melted cheese and toast sandwiched on either side. I wasn't brave enough to go outside in the cold and retrieve a piece of lettuce, so I'm planning another one of these [including lettuce] before my biopsy next week.

I'll let you decide whether the word 'glutton' refers to me. While you think about it I may go and have another snack... this could become a habit.

Actually, I'm probably a glutton for punishment, eating all this lovely gluten. It makes me tired, spaced out and gives me heaps of gas. [Sorry, I had to put that last bit in there].

Earlier I wrote about my "top 10" heroes of literature [that I've read.]
It's never fair to leave the girls out of sweet lists like this so here is my top heroines of literature, [books that I've read only though!]

In no particular order:


-Elizabeth Bennett. She is smart, witty, beautiful and confident. She is quite an unrealistic portrait of a woman, however she is really awesome, apparently everyone wants to be like her; especially because she ends up catching the coveted Mr Darcy!



-Rebecca. [Sir Walter Scott's Ivanhoe. She is really compassionate and kind even though she knows that she will get no reward. She is a Jewess, beautiful and Ivanhoe has a thing for her.





-Jane Eyre. She is, dear reader, the heroine of a truly fantastic story.





-Eowyn. Forget Arwen because apart from being beautiful, owning Aragorn's heart and making him a gigantic flag thingy, she just isn't as awesome as the warrior princess Eowyn [who is also cooler than Xena]. The girl from Rohan has major skill with the blade, is a great leader, marries Faramir [yay!] and seriously kicks the witch king's butt.





-Elinor Dashwood. [Sense and Sensibility] She is sensible, holds her family together but you can tell that she still feels things and has a heart.



-Lady Blakeney. [the Scarlet Pimpernel] I liked reading the book and liked Lady Blakeney too although she became a little frustrating at times. She leads the fashion in London, is highly regarded and highly gossiped about however she still does crazy stuff - especially when she finds out something about her husband.


- Anne Elliot. [Persuasion] I like how we read the novel from her perspective, she puts up with so much! She is really nice, giving and everyone relies on her. But also when you read the book you get a better idea of what it would have been like for Jane Austen or other women over 25 back in the day. Anyway, it looked to me like Jane Austen really knew what she was talking about when Anne had to watch younger girls flirt with a guy she liked, knowing that she had no chance.



-Catherine Morland. [Northanger Abbey] Another Austen girl, this one is great because she shows us that you shouldn't read too many novels! Or who knows? You may end up in your own horrid story and the consequences might be terrible! [I love Northanger Abbey, it's so funny.]








I know, I know. I couldn't muster enough favourite girls. The fact is that I usually don't really like the girls in books, I mean, often they kind of annoy me or just don't stand out as being awesome. [Or I haven't actually read the book/play. I wanted to put in Beatrice from 'much ado about nothing'...]
Anyway, have I missed someone out?

I've been eating gluten again for five days.
Breakfast on Thursday morning was so weird. For six months I was happily blocking out bread and all that good stuff from my mind and suddenly there I was pulling out the bread container and making myself a piece of toast!
And yes, I had tuna on my toast. It was delicious.

Thankfully the symptoms haven't been that bad, I've just been a bit tired and spaced out.

I've got a list of all the things that I want to eat in the next three weeks, however I'm in the habit of writing longs lists so need a bit of input from you; what would you eat if you only had three weeks left to eat whatever you wanted? Whatever, it can be anything. Perhaps gingernuts? crumbed fish? or just a good old sandwich?